I RUN BACK...TO WHERE?

time flies by real quick doesn't it? 3 months have already gone by. quite a roller coaster ride those 3 months were.

i have mixed emotions for those 3 months. i learned a lot - and as it seems, am still not learning...

am i always blinded? too trusting? or just plain hard headed?

perhaps this is divine retribution for my past sins? if it is, i think I'm paying too much a hefty price.

i suppose i cant pay the sins of the past with the goodness of today. questions start to float - is it still worth it?

when does one continue? when does one stop? with no grasp of answers close by - and as it seems, no one else to turn to, i run back...

back to writing - but things have warped so terribly that things no longer work like they used to.

the flashing lights and cheers of a winning form no longer amuse me. the notes no longer inspire. the words no longer comforting...

a promise was made...that of transparency - regardless of circumstances. but why do i have this bad feeling? why am i seeing the events of the past flash before my eyes? why does this all feel too familiar?

why has my sacrifices not produced any fruit? not a single one. i don't think i am asking for a lot - i have resigned to the fact that there are paths that can never be crossed at the same time. why am i on the losing side of any road i walk on?

why cant i be granted a single win for once?

the flashing lights and cheers of a winning form now irritate me. the notes now only serve to fuel the pain. the words serve only to be a testament of my pain.

i feel cold. i feel numb. my chest feels like bursting and i am close to giving up.

is this the price i must pay?